This gets rather long, I'll go ahead and warn you!
I never understood how someone could become so obsessed with having a baby that they would think about this for close to twenty four hours a day. I never understood how a person could care so much about having a baby and not just let fate happen. This was until my relationship with Trent got stronger when we were dating and I realized I wanted to be a mother more than anything else, still it wasn't an obsession, not yet anyway. We got married and my mind began to think more and more about babies. I caught my self looking at baby clothes every time I was in Wal-Mart or anywhere that had them for that matter. Trent would laugh at me and tell me to go look at baby clothes and he would look at hunting stuff then we could meet us and get our groceries. It still wasn't a constant in my head but I knew full well that I wanted children. Let me just say that if Trent would have agreed to have children the first night that we got married I would have been on board but still was OK with waiting a while. As the days passed in our marriage my friends started having children and as I watched their little ones grow I realized that I was more than ready to have a baby. I knew I wanted between three and five, so why not get started early? We were bombarded with advice about how we should wait a few years and get established and more settled but timing is never perfect and I knew this without a shadow of a doubt. Why should we wait? As soon as Trent was ready then everything would fall into place. I mean, if I look back now it is easy to say, if we would have waited, then maybe I wouldn't have lost Easton and Parker, maybe I would have a baby on earth rather than in Heaven, maybe I would have only had one baby instead of twins and then there would have been no problems. It's easy to say all of this but then I wouldn't have had MY boy's. The love we had for them was nothing I can even put into words. I will always cherish the moments that Trent and I had with them and how tiny, perfect, and beautiful they were. I will never forget wrapping their tiny fingers around mine and thinking, WOW, this is what unconditional love feels like. If the timing had been any different, they wouldn't have been ours. I would rather have had an hour with them then not had them at all. I would do it all over again even if I knew the outcome would be the same because they were mine and always will be.
Anyway now that I am off topic and day dreaming about what might have been again, let me get back on topic. The point is I thought I would never obsess over becoming pregnant, but newsflash, I HAVE. It's not something that I can help. Believe me, if I could I would. I am consumed with babies and thoughts of having my own children. I have a baby room full of clothes, a baby bed, bottle warmers etc. that I just stare at. I threatened to give everything away the other night during one of my meltdowns but Trent reminded me that, the empty baby bed that I was staring at would soon have a baby in it. In a perfect world, Easton and Parker would be sleeping in there as I speak and I would be sitting here telling you how tired I was and how much I needed a break. These are just dreams for now though because that bed will remain empty until God blesses us once again. I never thought Trent would be as consumed with having another baby as I am, but it turns out he is. I'm not saying he sits here and pines all day about babies and doesn't function day to day. I am just saying we both want the same thing. We are ready NOW, heck, we were ready yesterday and the day before that. I would sell everything I own and give anything to have Easton and Parker, I would do pretty much anything (within the law that is) but that wouldn't bring them back either. To make things worse, there are so many people who keep having children who don't even want them. Here I sit doing my best, researching on the Internet etc. trying to figure out everything I can about having a healthy pregnancy (hence the nick name Web MD that Trent has branded me with), conceiving etc. and here I sit with empty hands and an empty tummy. Our time is coming, I just know this but will it be soon enough? I know it is easy to judge me, or wonder, how on earth could Betsy want another baby so soon? She just lost her children four months ago and she needs time to heal. Well the doctor told us the sooner the better. If something is going to happen we can't stop it and time will only allow us to become bitter. So if you are wondering, then wonder no more. I am not trying to be rude, but every time I hear someone tell me that it could take my body a year to heal and that we should wait; I want to vomit. Please don't make me torture my self worrying about what you think. I do that enough. I am aware of the statistics and everything that could happen with another pregnancy, not to mention if I end up with twins again. For all of you who wonder, YES, my chances of having fraternal twins go us twenty five percent but goes down for having identicals again. I am scared, we are scared. While I am on my soap box, another thing that drives me nuts is when people tell me that they hope we don't have twins again and that they pray my next pregnancy will include just one baby. Please don't let this be your prayer because as far as Trent and I are concerned, although we may would need a nerve pill or two, we would LOVE to have twins again, that is, if the outcome is different. Sorry for babbling and ranting but I had to get everything out. I feel like I am going through the angry fase of grieving because I have been angry lately, not with God, or anyone in particular, just angry with the world. Please keep praying for Trent and I. We love you all and are so thankful for your friendship and prayers. We are eternally greatful. We just want God's peace to flood over us and help mend our broken hearts.
"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief." Proverbs 14:13