Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Moving forward...

     I can't believe it has been almost four months since I held Easton and Parker.  I still lay in bed at night and try to remember everything about them and at the same time, realize that I am slowly forgetting some of the smaller details.  Something I will never forget is the pain of my heart being shredded into a million pieces.  The days seem to be getting easier, and I find that I can have complete conversations with out bringing them up.  I mean it has to get tiring for people to hear me talk about them.  They are no longer here and I feel like I should try harder to move on sometimes.  I can't spend the rest of my life talking about the boys and dwelling on what might have been.  Trent and I are so ready to become parents again and can't wait to bring our third child into the world.  Although we want a baby so bad that we could scream, we try to tell ourselves that it will happen in God's timing.  I find myself praying that God will give me a baby soon and as crazy as it sounds being scared to give it all to God.  I know it is in His hands and not mine but I hope his timing is sooner than later, for fear that I may lose my mind.  I try to fill my mind with other thoughts and keep it from counting down the days each month to see if we are indeed expecting.  This is the worst part, the waiting.  Wondering if we will have another child soon or if we will ever have another one.  I know that we will but as everyone, who has ever tried to have a baby knows, your mind can drive you nuts.  I sit and think about how I will tell Trent when I find out we are expecting and how we will break the news to everyone else.  What a great day that will be, although I may need a nerve pill to get me through the nine months after we find out.  I know longer will feel like I am in the safe zone after the 13th week, like I did last time.  I mean we made it to right at twenty weeks so who's to say we won't lose another one.  I tell my self that God knows how much Trent and I can handle and wouldn't let this happen again but still the fear is there.  Sorry for all the the babbling but I am really trying to move forward and be happy once again (which I am happy) I can't just curl up in a ball and let life pass me by.  I have to much going for me. 

Thought I would leave you with some happy picture's...

Trent, Charlee, and I!
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5

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