Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I want His will but I don't want patience...

     I find myself praying for God's will in mine and Trent's life but also praying for my wants and needs.  I often wonder if I am the only person that does this. I will pray that Trent and I will have a baby in God's timing but am scared to accept that His timing may not be within the timing that I want.  I sometimes find my self praying to God to give me a baby soon but then on the other hand I also pray that if this pregnancy will fail too then I can stand to wait a few more months.  I tell myself that I will have gained nothing if I push God to give me a baby soon and then go on to miscarry again.  I don't think I could handle that; I don't think Trent could either.  Although I don't really consider my last loss a miscarriage because of how far along that I was.  I just think of it as pre-term labor.  You see how easy it is to go crazy?  I rack my brain constantly praying, hoping, wishing, etc.  The cycle never ends. I have also found that it is not smart to pray for patience.  For those of you who know me, you know I lack patience of any kind; (here is am example of my last pregnancy) "Lord, Trent and I want a baby so badly, there is nothing that I have ever wanted more.  Please give us a baby soon because I long to be a mother.  P.s. God please don't give me twins though.  My family jokes that Trent and I will have twins, but Lord you know me and how low my level of patience is.  Surely you wouldn't give me two children at the same time.  No, I know you wouldn't because I am scared my brain couldn't function with two new Born's......A month later; Thank you God for this sweet baby that Trent and I have on the way.  We are so thrilled and can't believe how quickly you answered our cries to you Lord.  Please let the baby have a healthy heart rate when we go to the Doctor tomorrow Lord. (The next day) Lord we sit here waiting for our ultrasound Lord and pray that we will receive a wonderful report on (ONE) healthy baby......(30 Min's later) Well, there are two babies Betsy, you are having twins.  My thoughts then change to Lord, why me?  You knew I didn't want two babies, I just wanted one healthy baby.  Then I found my self praying constantly, Dear God, can you just make these days pass quickly, I can't handle throwing up twenty times a day and am just tired.  Just let me get to twenty five weeks, that is my prayer.  I want these two babies Lord, I have never wanted anything more, Although I didn't want twins at first, I can't imagine just having one baby so please take care of my babies.....And so on and so on.  As you see I am very impatient and I am fully aware that God probably has a wall full of sticky notes that read, Here are Betsy's pleads and commands.  You see this is just how my mind works.  I want his will but being human also want my will.  While talking to my mother in law a little bit ago she says', "Betsy, maybe God is teaching you patience.  Maybe this is why it will take a little longer for you to have your third baby, He knows you lack in this area and is helping you in the future."  My response, " I will take anything that the Lord gives me but I DO NOT want patience.  If God is trying to teach me patience this could be a long road ahead."  I want all blessing's from God but not patience.  I am sure I fill His days with laughter.  Surely, I am not the only mother in the world that functions like this.  I sure hope not anyway.

Until I am blessed again, these two boys have my hearts now and forever...

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Psalms 37:4
Psalms 37:4


  1. Betsy I love your blog, and I must say it has brought me to tears and prayers reading it. A little advice from one who has prayed for patience...NEVER PRAY FOR PATIENCE!! PRACTICE patience, but never pray for it...when you're in a line at the store, stop fidgeting and count your blessings. Thank God for those few minutes of observing things around you, the ability to pay for the things you need, and the ability to satisfy some of your wants, too. The loss of your boys and the waiting on God's timing help you to realize many things about yourself, and your relationship with Trent: how strong your faith is; how much you love each other; how much you can rely on and relate to each other in good times and bad, and how much you really desire to be parents! You will also need this patience you are developing while you are raising children...I think my patience didn't really arrive until I was in my 40s while helping with elderly relatives. I would love to have had that patience in my earler years, especially on those crazy school mornings! Developing patience while you are young will make for more peaceful times in your home now and later...keep reminding yourself that it's all in God's hands, and in HIS timetable...and never stop praying!

  2. Betsy, I thought about you when I wrote my most recent post. Everytime I think of the name Easton you and your boys come to mind and I find myself lifting you up in prayer. Funny how a name can bond two strangers. (Although I feel we probably share more than a name just because of the struggles we have endured).

    Keep your head up. God will never take you where His arms can't protect you. You are right in that His timing is perfect. From someone who had many, many doubts and wrestled with God during my pregnancy when He blesses you He really blesses you. Just keep your eyes fully on Him so you can fully receive His blessings (and sometimes that's hard). Keep posting your thoughts and feelings... I enjoy reading... your an inspiration.

  3. Thanks so much Tiffanie. You are right, when we are blessed with a baby I know it will be amazing. I pray for you and baby Preston often. It is strange how we are two strangers but here I am praying that Preston will be a healthy, happy, baby that will spend many many years here with you and your husband. Before you had him I was a nervous wreck for you. My mom would read your blog and cry and I would tell her that I didn't know you but couldn't imagine how scared you must be. I found myself praying daily that God would give you this sweet baby boy to keep on earth and that his heart could be repaired. I ached for you and your family because I couldn't imagine another mother facing what Trent and I have been through. Thanks for your kindness. Preston is truly a beautiful, precious boy. You are so very blessed.