Rough days ahead...

  It seems the days should get easier but obviously not!  Sometimes Trent and I lay in bed at night and talk about our stress and how we are dealing.  To us we seem to be handling things the best way possible but there are days we could do better.  Everyone tells us we seem to be so strong but they don't see us when were alone. We just hold up well in public.  We really aren't like falling apart or dying but we are still hurting terribly.  There's not much to say tonight......Hoping for happy days ahead!

Aren't you the "ONE" that had the twins?

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

  So, I guess this is what I am changing my name to. For anyone else who may wonder, I'll go ahead and tell you, Yes, I'm the one that had the twins.  Does anyone else find this just a tad but strange?  I mean if the babies were still here and thriving I would love to be known as the ONE that had the twins, but they aren't.  I do not mind at all being associated with being Easton and Parker's mother but seriously, isn't there a better way of asking about my children?  They do have names.  For that matter why can't I just be Betsy.  I, do not walk around to everyone I meet, saying "Oh you are the one who had the little boy/girl", or ,"your the one who had the baby last year"  There are lots of people who have twins and I am sure when they meet someone for the first time this is not the question they are asked.  I just find this Oh so weird actually.  I am curious as to how long this will go on.  I can't go anywhere with a group of people without this being asked.  I am not mad by any means or even really offended by this question but if you were thinking about asking it, I'll ahead and tell you that I would rather you not.  This just leads to you telling me how very sorry you are and me saying well, I have been asked worse things.  I would rather you come up to me and say, "Oh, you are Easton and Parker's mom".  To this I would say, yes I am.  It just settles a little easier with me and sounds a bit more  personal.  Most of the time when I am asked this question the person that asks me will tell the person next to them, don't you remember, she's the one who had the twins. To that they will either say no I don't remember or oh yes, you are so and so's friend I remember him/her telling me about you.  So, enough babbling for today! 

The Oh so Sweet Pitter Patter of the Heart...

     Today I had the pleasure of going with a sweet friend for her first ultrasound.  It was amazing, a  little back ground information on my friend, she has twin foster children that are eighteen months old, an eight month old daughter, and just found out she is expecting again.  The neat part of the story is, she had no idea how far along she was because she was nursing her baby and so she really had no idea she was expecting again until not too long ago.  I was honored when she asked me to go with her to her first doctor's appointment today.  Her parents couldn't go and her husband couldn't get off work so she asked me to come along.  We had a bet going on how far along she was and I won the bet.  She is eleven weeks, one day and has one active little baby bouncing around.  I wondered how I would feel about watching another ultrasound, especially at the same doctors complex that I went to, but it was wonderful.  I cringed a small bit when we pulled in the parking lot.  After all, that was the same lot that I had visited for five months, while I was carrying my little monkey's in my tummy. As the we begin to hear the little pitter patter of a heart beat I smiled with joy.  What an amazing sound.   As I sat and held her sweet baby girl, I watched this new life bounce around in her tummy.  God is so good. My sweet friend is so deserving of this little baby.  She has endured two miscarriages and then decided to do foster care and three months after she received her twin boys, she found out she was expecting again.  This would be her third pregnancy and it was a precious little girl.  God knew the desires of her heart and blessed her three times in a year.  Her boys are amazing and she is going through the process of adoption very soon.  I hope to be half the parent that my dear friend is. God is definitely working in her and her husband's lives.  They are such a precious family.  My friends name is Lucy, and if you could please keep her in your prayers as she moves along in her pregnancy.  God has placed so many new friends in my life and I am so happy to have them to lean on. 

Obsessed? Maybe a Little....

    This gets rather long, I'll go ahead and warn you!

     I never understood how someone could become so obsessed with having a baby that they would think about this for close to twenty four hours a day.  I never understood how a person could care so much about having a baby and not just let fate happen.  This was until my relationship with Trent got stronger when we were dating and I realized I wanted to be a mother more than anything else, still it wasn't an obsession, not yet anyway.  We got married and my mind began to think more and more about babies.  I caught my self looking at baby clothes every time I was in Wal-Mart or anywhere that had them for that matter.  Trent would laugh at me and tell me to go look at baby clothes and he would look at hunting stuff then we could meet us and get our groceries.  It still wasn't a constant in my head but I knew full well that I wanted children.  Let me just say that if Trent would have agreed to have children the first night that we got married I would have been on board but still was OK with waiting a while.  As the days passed in our marriage my friends started having children and as I watched their little ones grow I realized that I was more than ready to have a baby.  I knew I wanted between three and five, so why not get started early?  We were bombarded with advice about how we should wait a few years and get established and more settled but timing is never perfect and I knew this without a shadow of a doubt.  Why should we wait?  As soon as Trent was ready then everything would fall into place.  I mean, if I look back now it is easy to say, if we would have waited, then maybe I wouldn't have lost Easton and Parker, maybe I would have a baby on earth rather than in Heaven, maybe I would have only had one baby instead of twins and then there would have been no problems.  It's easy to say all of this but then I wouldn't have had MY boy's.  The love we had for them was nothing I can even put into words.  I will always cherish the moments that Trent and I had with them and how tiny, perfect, and beautiful they were.  I will never forget wrapping their tiny fingers around mine and thinking, WOW, this is what unconditional love feels like.  If the timing had been any different, they wouldn't have been ours.  I would rather have had an hour with them then not had them at all.  I would do it all over again even if I knew the outcome would be the same because they were mine and always will be. 
    Anyway now that I am off topic and day dreaming about what might have been again, let me get back on topic.  The point is I thought I would  never obsess over becoming pregnant, but newsflash, I HAVE.  It's not something that I can help.  Believe me, if I could I would.  I am consumed with babies and thoughts of having my own children.  I have a baby room full of clothes, a baby bed, bottle warmers etc. that I just stare at.  I threatened to give everything away the other night during one of my meltdowns but Trent reminded me that, the empty baby bed that I was staring at would soon have a baby in it.  In a perfect world, Easton and Parker would be sleeping in there as I speak and I would be sitting here telling you how tired I was and how much I needed a break.  These are just dreams for now though because that bed will remain empty until God blesses us once again.  I never thought Trent would be as consumed with having another baby as I am, but it turns out he is.  I'm not saying he sits here and pines all day about babies and doesn't function day to day.  I am just saying we both want the same thing.  We are ready NOW, heck, we were ready yesterday and the day before that.  I would sell everything I own and give anything to have Easton and Parker, I would do pretty much anything (within the law that is) but that wouldn't bring  them back either.  To make things worse, there are so many people who keep having children who don't even want them.  Here I sit doing my best, researching on the Internet etc. trying to figure out everything I can about having a healthy pregnancy (hence the nick name Web MD that Trent has branded me with), conceiving etc. and here I sit with empty hands and an empty tummy.  Our time is coming, I just know this but will it be soon enough?  I know it is easy to judge me, or wonder, how on earth could Betsy want another baby so soon?  She just lost her children four months ago and she needs time to heal.  Well the doctor told us the sooner the better.  If something is going to happen we can't stop it and time will only allow us to become bitter.  So if you are wondering, then wonder no more.  I am not trying to be rude, but every time I hear someone tell me that it could take my body a year to heal and that we should wait; I want to vomit.  Please don't make me torture my self worrying about what you think.  I do that enough.  I am aware of the statistics and everything that could happen with another pregnancy, not to mention if I end up with twins again.  For all of you who wonder, YES, my chances of having fraternal twins go us twenty five percent but goes down for having identicals again.  I am scared, we are scared.  While I am on my soap box, another thing that drives me nuts is when people tell me that they hope we don't have twins again and that they pray my next pregnancy will include just one baby.  Please don't let this be your prayer because as far as Trent and I are concerned, although we may would need a nerve pill or two, we would LOVE to have twins again, that is, if the outcome is different. Sorry for babbling and ranting but I had to get everything out.  I feel like I am going through the angry fase of grieving because I have been angry lately, not with God, or anyone in particular, just angry with the world.  Please keep praying for Trent and I.  We love you all and are so thankful for your friendship and prayers.  We are eternally greatful.  We just want God's peace to flood over us and help mend our broken hearts.

"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief."  Proverbs 14:13

This goes along with the last post!

I forgot to leave my email address for you, it is captkeyes2003@yahoo.com

Questions...

So, I have many people who email me questions about the blog and who just have questions in general.  So after reading another mother's blog and seeing how she was bombarded with questions also, I like how she answered them.  She started a place on her blog where she would take a cerain number of questions at a time and take the time to answer them daily on the blog.  I am not trying to be vain or even assume that any one still has questions about the boys, mine and Trent's life, etc. but I will try my best to answer what questions you do present me with.  So here goes!  You can email me your questions or comment on this post and I will get back with you on the answer's.  This should be fun.  Don't me afraid to ask whatever you are thinking.  I'll do my best to answer.  So many people have different questions about what happened to Easton and Parker, when Trent and I are ready for another baby etc. that I thought this would be a neat way to handle it.  I'll do my best to answer your questions, if there are any! 

I want His will but I don't want patience...

     I find myself praying for God's will in mine and Trent's life but also praying for my wants and needs.  I often wonder if I am the only person that does this. I will pray that Trent and I will have a baby in God's timing but am scared to accept that His timing may not be within the timing that I want.  I sometimes find my self praying to God to give me a baby soon but then on the other hand I also pray that if this pregnancy will fail too then I can stand to wait a few more months.  I tell myself that I will have gained nothing if I push God to give me a baby soon and then go on to miscarry again.  I don't think I could handle that; I don't think Trent could either.  Although I don't really consider my last loss a miscarriage because of how far along that I was.  I just think of it as pre-term labor.  You see how easy it is to go crazy?  I rack my brain constantly praying, hoping, wishing, etc.  The cycle never ends. I have also found that it is not smart to pray for patience.  For those of you who know me, you know I lack patience of any kind; (here is am example of my last pregnancy) "Lord, Trent and I want a baby so badly, there is nothing that I have ever wanted more.  Please give us a baby soon because I long to be a mother.  P.s. God please don't give me twins though.  My family jokes that Trent and I will have twins, but Lord you know me and how low my level of patience is.  Surely you wouldn't give me two children at the same time.  No, I know you wouldn't because I am scared my brain couldn't function with two new Born's......A month later; Thank you God for this sweet baby that Trent and I have on the way.  We are so thrilled and can't believe how quickly you answered our cries to you Lord.  Please let the baby have a healthy heart rate when we go to the Doctor tomorrow Lord. (The next day) Lord we sit here waiting for our ultrasound Lord and pray that we will receive a wonderful report on (ONE) healthy baby......(30 Min's later) Well, there are two babies Betsy, you are having twins.  My thoughts then change to Lord, why me?  You knew I didn't want two babies, I just wanted one healthy baby.  Then I found my self praying constantly, Dear God, can you just make these days pass quickly, I can't handle throwing up twenty times a day and am just tired.  Just let me get to twenty five weeks, that is my prayer.  I want these two babies Lord, I have never wanted anything more, Although I didn't want twins at first, I can't imagine just having one baby so please take care of my babies.....And so on and so on.  As you see I am very impatient and I am fully aware that God probably has a wall full of sticky notes that read, Here are Betsy's pleads and commands.  You see this is just how my mind works.  I want his will but being human also want my will.  While talking to my mother in law a little bit ago she says', "Betsy, maybe God is teaching you patience.  Maybe this is why it will take a little longer for you to have your third baby, He knows you lack in this area and is helping you in the future."  My response, " I will take anything that the Lord gives me but I DO NOT want patience.  If God is trying to teach me patience this could be a long road ahead."  I want all blessing's from God but not patience.  I am sure I fill His days with laughter.  Surely, I am not the only mother in the world that functions like this.  I sure hope not anyway.

Until I am blessed again, these two boys have my hearts now and forever...

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Psalms 37:4
Psalms 37:4