“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." John 14:27
Neenee and I at my couple's shower!
Our wedding day!
Neenee's 70th Birthday!
As many of you know, I had Easton and Parker on November 20th. Around this same time my Neenee (my dad's mother) had just found out she had Lymphoma. She had around an 80% cure rate and would take three rounds of Chemo and then be good to go. She took he first round of chemo the day before I had Easton and Parker. Little did we know she would only live another month. Neenee was one of my healthiest grandparents up to this point. As terrible as it sounds, I never thought she would be one of the first to pass away. She attended all of my ball games, dance recitals, homecoming activities etc. as I was growing up and I will always remember her as my grandparent that would let me choose my switch on the tree when I was getting a spanking, something my cousin's and I laugh about now. I could always count on her to be at everything and to be on time. When the babies passed away she wasn't able to come to the funeral because of being sick from the Chemo. I figured I would see her soon enough though and she would be just fine. Isn't this what we always think? About two weeks after having the babies I received a call telling me that Neenee wasn't doing well and that I should think about coming in to see her. Trent took off work that Friday and we headed in. I was not prepared for what I saw. As I entered the hospital room she didn't even recognize me. She greeted me by saying "Look who's here, just who I wanted to see" although when I got closer to her I could tell she was confused. I said Neenee do you know who I am. She then answered, well no. I began to sob and was terrified. I had just watched my babies be buried and I couldn't handle this. It was so hard to watch a lady who practically raised me not recognize me. This really hindered our conversation because she wasn't even aware that I was ever pregnant and didn't even recognize Trent either. She then proceeded to tell me that she had no grand children or children, when she actually has one son ( my dad), two daughters, and fifteen grandchildren. This was absolute torture to see her like this, although she wasn't in pain that we could tell. Trent and I visited for a few hours that day and decided we would come see her again when we came back in from Lake Charles. Afterall, the doctors were telling us that it was the medicine and a urinary tract infection that was causing her memory to go hay wire. Ok I thought. In a few days she will be fine. On Christmas day around noon Trent and I had just arrived in Tensas Parish to have lunch with my dad and sisters. We got the call that rocked our worlds. Neenee was dying. We drove as fast as possible to get to the hospital and when we got there her blood pressure bottomed out and we thought this was the end. The nurses came and loaded her with medicine an kept her going. It was just a matter of time. She was now in a coma, that was not drug induced, so we knew it was nearing the end. She held on thought for three more days and passed on December 28, 2010. Right before she passed away everyone was debating if we would be in the room with her when life support was taken off. I was the first to say NO, I just held my children who weren't alive a month ago and I can't handle this. Also as terrible as is sounds I was afraid I would never get the mental picture out of my head if I was to see this. Then I remembered my dad telling me that Neenee told him that if no one else came through for her through out her life that she knew I would. How could I walk out on her now. As the life support was pulled, I held her hand and told her that I was certain that Jesus had his hand out waiting for her. I prayed with all of my might that she wouldn't be scared. As I talked to her and told her that the boys would be so happy to meet her, tears began to roll down her face. I am not certain if she could hear me but the nurses were fairly certain that she could. This broke my heart. Neenee took just a few short breaths and went to be with Jesus in less than five minutes. I was now at my breaking point and wondered how much more God thought I could handle. The rest of my family members waited in the hall (not that I blame them) because they couldnt handle watching her go. I wasn't able to do this. Her husband, sister, and I were there until the end. I didn't know what to think because I was one that has always feared death. As terrible as it sounds, seeing people who aren't alive tend to scare me beyond words. At this point I had been with three people who weren't alive in a month. In a certain way I think it lessened my fear because I have had no nightmares about Neenee or my boys. God knew that I couldn't handle anymore and he kept my fears away. I think that God knew that my boys needed someone to greet them in Heaven and he didn't want Neenee to suffer either. It brought peace to my heart that they were now in Heaven together. So on Neenee's birthday I would like to think that she and Easton and Parker are having a blast. She is able to watch them grow until I get to them. Hopefully they are not having to pull switches to be spanked with. I know they are all three so happy, healthy, and thriving.