Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Our Heart's are Heavy with Grief...

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18

     What can I say?  Our boys were absolutely perfect.  They had all ten fingers and toes, and the most beautiful little faces.  I sat in the hospital bed that day, filled with more grief and joy than I had ever felt.  As the nurse handed me my babies, I sobbed and smiled at the same time.  I can explain the whirlwind of emotions that I felt but in some ways it was like being on a roller coaster; crying one minute and laughter the next.  Trent and I were completely in love with these tiny beings.  They were our everything.  Easton was 9 inches long, and weighed a little over 8 ounces.  Trent said he looked just like me.  I'll never forget him saying, "I don't want to make you cry but I can't believe how much he looks like you."  His words didn't make me sad, but made me smile.  Easton's little lips were perfect.  He had the cutest little dimple above his top lip and the most perfect, round, little nose.  His little tummy poked out as if he had been fed a huge meal.  He also had the cutest little leg muscles of any baby that I have ever seen; probably because he was so small.  His little hand, although tiny, wrapped all the way around my finger.  Easton's little toes were very long and skinny, nothing like little Parker's.  He was our first born, our precious, perfect, Easton Craig.
     Benjamin Parker, our second born was 8 3/4 inches long and 7 1/2 ounces.  He was just as wonderful and perfect as Easton, just a little smaller.  Parker had a tiny nose and a very small face.  He looked nothing like Easton or me, except for the fact that he had white eyebrows.  I guess I won the bet because Trent swore that our babies would have dark hair.  I was tickled to see those big white eyebrows.  I was right, he was going to be a cotton top like my sisters and I; other than that,  he looked just like Trent.  I'll never forget his little forehead; it was just like his daddy's.  Trent has a long forehead and so did Parker.  His little tummy was not full like Easton's, but skinny.  Something else that amazed me were his toes.  They were just like Trent's.  I always tell Trent that he has shark toes because his toes are wide and kind of stubby (sorry sweetheart but it's the truth).   Bless Parker's heart his were just like his daddy's but still absolutely perfect.   I was amazed at the differences in their toes and hands.  It was so neat to see two of the most beautiful baby's, that looked nothing alike.  I remember holding Parker's hands and saying, wow, he has the perfect little finger nails and toe nails.  This may be weird to some of you but I wanted to soak them in completely and memorize every part of them. He was so tiny and sweet.  I may be a little partial, but I can imagine that everyone thinks the same of their children. 
     I often sit and wonder what the boys would have looked like as toddler's.  Parker with his white hair and skinny little body, and Easton our chunky, little, roly poly.  I can't help but feel we have been robbed of the most wonderful gift on earth.  I know we will have more baby's, but these were our first and we wanted them so badly.
     As I sat in the hospital bed, talking and singing to our babies, Trent finally worked up the nerve to hold them.  We took turns holding them one at a time and then holding them together.  I have said many times that the nurses would think I was slap crazy if they walked in the room because I was singing "You Are My Sunshine" over and over.  Since we were now in a postpartum room we also had a rocking chair.  I asked Trent to help me get out of the bed because I wanted to rock our boys.  This is when the pain really sat in, not physical, but emotional, because within the next hour, the nurse would be back to take Easton and Parker, and I would never rock them again.  Trent and I took turns rocking the boys and talking to them as if they were looking up at us with open eyes, as if to say, I hear you mommy and daddy.  We just wanted them to know how much we loved them.  As Trent began to rock both of the boys, I'll never forget the words that he said.  I pretty much broke down at this point.  As he looked at Easton and Parker, he said "even though you aren't here with us, I am still one proud Poppa.  My heart was shattered.  My husband, the strongest person I know was now sobbing and over taken with grief.  After some time alone with just the boys and Trent and I, our parents came in to meet their grandchildren.  Our parents and Trent's brother and my sister in law Melissa soaked up the beauty of our too sweet pea's.  We prayed over them and hoped that God had taken them to be with him before they were born.  We couldn't stand the thought of them suffering.  In my heart I believe He did.
     As an hour or so passed, we knew it would be time to hand our boys over.  I'll never forget, the door opening and a nurse that I have never met, saying "I'm here to get the babies".  I just looked at her although she probably thought I was coo coo and said, "you are taking them?"  Yes, she said.  Laying them back in the tiny cubicle to be wheeled back down the hall was my breaking point.  We didn't know how to let them go but had no choice.  We had held and seen our babies for the last time and now we had to head home to plan a funeral.  I never thought I would enter a funeral home and ask to look at baby caskets, but this was exactly what we had to do.  How are we as parents supposed to put our new born babies in a small box in the ground?  It was beyond me.
     Although, this is going back a bit, I want to tell you just how awesome Trent was through this entire experience.  He never once left my side and had every nurse and Dr. in labor and delivery talking about what a great husband and gentleman he was.  They all said they had never seen such a caring man who stepped up to help their wife like Trent did.  He was my rock.  He made such an impact that the nurses were in tears and disbelief at how well he handled the situation, and a wife who was basically losing her mind.  I'll never forget him talking me through the whole process and trying to hold it together for me.  He was and is perfect.  At my six week check-up Doctor G. was still bragging on him and said she wanted a husband like Trent.  I am so glad that God put Trent in my life.  He is a great husband and father.  We prayed daily over these boys, with him usually initiating the prayer.  That's a real man in my eyes.  One who isn't afraid to pray, even when nurses and doctor's are waiting to do an ultrasound etc. I wouldn't have made it through this without him and can't imagine sharing this experience with anyone else.  He is my world and I would give my life for him.  Our marriage is now stronger than ever, even though we would rather go back and change everything to have our boys here.  Trent and I have been through something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  For our first year of marriage I'll say we handled it pretty well.  Most people are married years before they face a crisis like this, if they ever do.  I know without a Shadow of a doubt that Trent and I can weather any storm.  Not only do we have each other, but we have amazing parents, who would take on all of our pain if they could.  Not only were our parents grieving for their grand children but also for us, their children.  I remember them saying they would take all of our pain if they could but this was just not possible.  They felt so helpless and so did we.  Watching mine and Trent's fathers and my step-father in tears was awful.  It takes alot to make these men cry and the tears in their eyes tore us apart.  We are truly blessed with a wonderful family and friends who have been nothing but supportive.  We are eternally grateful to you all.  We give God all of the glory for the five months that I was able to carry Easton and Parker and we will continue to praise Him in this storm.

Praise You in This Storm: Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth


  1. I am so thankful that you allowed me to see those precious boys and I will cherish the memory of their sweet faces forever. Love you!

  2. Love you too! Glad their Aunt Lissa got to see them also!

  3. Oh your story is heartbreaking! I'm so sad for you. My SIL lost a little one at 7 months. She was stillborn. We saw and held her in the hospital too. It was just so sad... So glad that your world is happier now.