Monday, January 24, 2011

Worst News of Our Lives

"fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."  Psalm 23:4

     November 15th was my last appointment with Dr. S before I had our baby boys.  Our worst fears would come true this day and we would forever be changed.  Like always, Trent and I layed our hands on our babies and prayed before the Doctor entered the room.  It always seemed to help calm our nerves but on this day, there was no amount of comforting that could have helped.  We began the ultrasound with the technician just like we normally did and then she handed us over to Doctor S. for him to begin.  Today the fluid difference between the boys was at a dangerous level.  Easton (baby "A") had 9 mm. of fluid, and Parker (baby "B") had only 6mm.  Something had to be done.  The problem with Twin to Twin Transfusion is that one baby will receive too much fluid; therefore, getting too large and the other baby will not receive enough.  This places both babies in danger.  Doctor S. said we would know when the situation got bad enough because we would not be able to see the smaller baby’s kidneys.  The reason the kidney's cannot be seen is because the amniotic fluid consists of the babies urine and when the fluid gets too low, you then know the kidneys are beginning to fail, because the lack or urine being made.  Doctor S. could barely see Parker's kidneys at this appointment, and Trent and I began to panic because we knew there was a large possibility that we may lose one, if not both of the babies.  This is when Trent and I both began asking what we could do to save our boys.  Doctor S. said he would now see me weekly and if the levels weren't better by the next Monday, we would be sent to Houston.  The reason for sending us to Houston would be to fuse the vessels between the babies, in order to give them each their own blood supply, with hopes to save them.  It was a very risky procedure for both me and the babies, therefore Trent and I were terrified.  The risks included, possible preterm labor, which meant I would lose the babies, rupturing of the sac, and even a chance that if I began to hemorrhage that I would lose my babies and my uterus both.  If this happened I would not be able to have any more children.  So you can imagine how sick we were.  The hospital in Houston wouldn't even see me until I was twenty weeks, so we had one more week to wait.  We were then told that if the fluid levels were not at least detrimental to one baby then we may have to hold off on the procedure.  This infuriated Trent and I both.  To sit and listen to a Doctor tell you that your baby has to be at the point of possible heart failure before they will fix them is sickening.  Their reasoning is that at least you will have one baby to take home and they can't risk one baby’s life to save another.  They said their goal was to save both babies but unless it was absolutely necessary to do this procedure they would hold off.  It could be a week wait or a few weeks.  If Parker, (the baby that was losing fluid) still had descent function of his organs, then the procedure would be held off until they knew he wouldn’t' survive without the procedure.  I wanted to scream.  I told them that my goal was to save both of my babies.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to risk one baby to save another, but I also didn't want to watch my babies organs fail before he could get help.  My babies came as a package deal and I wanted them both, healthy and happy.  I'll never forget Doctor S. telling us, that even if we lost one baby, at least we had another and this is what all of the Houston Doctor's would say too.  Let me tell you in the nicest, most respectful way possible.  Do not say this to a mother, who is risking losing one of her children.  One child can't replace the other.  I felt as if he wanted Trent and I to say, oh okay, you’re right, at least we will still be parents.  When I first became pregnant, I will tell you, I would have been the first to say that I didn't want twins.  I just thought I would never have the patience to deal with two little rug rats at the same time.  I was so wrong.  I now wanted twins more than ever.  These babies were mine and Trent's future and our world.  We would have given our lives for them and still would if given the chance.  Our next appointment was supposed to be on November 22nd, but we wouldn't make that appointment because on the 22nd, my babies would no longer be in my tummy.  They would be with Jesus.

Matthew 18:14   "So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish."


  1. Betsy.... This is so touching. You are such a strong woman for doing this blog, I know the last entry will be very challenging to write. I love you and I know that good things are in store for you and Trent. Love you and I say a prayer for u every night !