Hi Friends!

This is my Valentine, and my world!

Our two Valentines, Easton and Parker.  Mommy and Daddy sure miss them!

     I know I have some updating to do but Trent and I have been busy getting ready for our trip to Florida.  He had a class to take for work, so we are on somewhat of a vacation.  After an almost ten hour drive last night we finally made it!  I'll try to update soon!  Happy Valentines day!

New Friends...

One of my last pictures of me with my sweet boys.

    And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.  Mark 10:13-16

  Trent and I are so very thankful for all of the kindness and prayers that we have received over the past few months.  Everyone has gone above and beyond and we are forever grateful.  We love you all and can't express our gratitude.  I have made new friends over the past few months and realized that I am not the only one who faces such terrible times.  It seems that everyone has a story of loss, and I find myself with a long list of prayers each night for all of the sick babies and children.   I say this because I always remind myself that my situation could be much worse, in my opinion.  There are mother's that lose their children due to car accidents, cancer, or some other terrible occurrence.  I cannot say that I will ever be able to understand the pain that these mother's and father's feel but I can somewhat sympathize with them.  Although every situation is different, I find myself thanking God that my babies were not born into a world of suffering.  They never knew bad or evil, just God's grace.  I like to think that they were very happy and content for the five months that I carried them and then they went straight from my tummy to the greatest place imaginable; to be with their Father.  They only ever knew love. 
     I think that over the past few months, God has placed some very special people in my life.  Many people that I knew while growing up in Winnsboro have faced a miscarriage in the past few months.  It seems every time I would find out someone was expecting, the good news would be followed by bad news within days.  I can't understand why these wonderful women of God, who want babies so bad can't have them, or have them taken away.  I try not to question God because I drive myself crazy thinking of the "what if's".  I met someone who I know will become a dear friend of mine over the next years to come.  She won't mind me sharing her story with you so I will.  Her name is April Goodman, and she is such a wonderful friend, and woman of God.  April lost her baby at the beginning of January and I was devastated for her.  She was nine weeks along and she and her husband were ecstatic about the impending birth of their child.  Right after I had the boys I found out that April was expecting.  How we met was nothing short of a miracle.  April and her husband went in the bank where my mom works, the day that she found out she was expecting and having her first ultrasound.  I remember mom calling and telling me that April was pregnant and how happy she was.  I must say that I only knew April through acquaintances and have never actually met her, but I was so happy for this girl.  A few weeks after this April was sitting at Long Horn and began showing her husband pictures of me on face book on her cell phone.  Little did she know that my step-mother was sitting right beside her.  She went on to tell Paul, her husband, how terrible our situation was and how terrified she was that she would for some reason miscarry.  My step-mother spoke up and asked April how she knew me.  She responded that she didn't really know me but she knew I had lost the boys.  I thought this was strange that she had run into my mom and step-mom in the same few weeks.  A few more weeks passed and April went for an ultrasound and her biggest fear was confirmed, her baby had no heart beat.  April left the Doctor that day and went to Catfish Cabin and while she was there she ran in to my mother in law, Brenda.  You may think this is just coincidence but I know it's not.  She went on to tell Bren that she had just left the doctor and that she was losing her baby.  I say losing instead of lost, because at this point she had not had the baby yet.  Her body was not recognizing that the baby's heart had stopped beating and she would have to wait a few days until she would actually miscarry.  I was devastated by the news.  I never want any mother to have to feel the pain that Trent and I had.  I decided that I would message her on Face book and send her a scripture that another acquaintance, Casey Smith sent me (Mark 10:13-16).  She wrote me back and told me that she appreciated my kindness and we chit chatted for a bit before we said good bye.  I never thought our friendship would go beyond this.  It ended up that over the next few days we would talk more and more.  For the next month we chatted daily on Face book still never talking on the phone.  We decided enough was enough and I called her one day.  We talked for close to four hours that night, each telling the other our story and praising God that our babies did not suffer.  For the last two months, we have almost talked daily, sometimes for hours a day.  Trent and I are excited to meet April and her husband this weekend because she is coming in from Florida and we are getting to go bowling and out to eat on Saturday.  We joke that we have become best friends in such a short time, although I really do consider her  a best friend and one of the sweetest people that I know.  We have learned so much about each other in the last months and have a friendship that will last a lifetime.  I am so glad to have someone who knows exactly how I feel.  Although our situations are different we have both grieved the similar ways.  We both can't wait to have our next baby's on the way and hope to get to raise them together.  We would have never met if it weren't for what happened to us.  Although we would much rather have our babies here, we know that God has brought us together to comfort and lean on each other.  Easton and Parker now have a new friend in Heaven.  I can't imagine all of the fun things they must be doing with all of their friends and family surrounding them.  It makes me happy to know that when I go to meet God that our boys will be standing right beside Him, holding out their hands to Trent and I.  What a great day that will be.  
      *Here is a picture of sweet April and her husband Paul.  If you don't mind please keep them in your prayers as they are still greiving the loss of their precious baby.

Thanks for continuing to follow, I'll do my best to update every few days.  God bless you all!

Casting Crowns: Praise You In This Storm

I think this song describes exactly what Trent and I are facing right now.  Although we are devastated and broken we will still praise God. 

Our Heart's are Heavy with Grief...

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18

     What can I say?  Our boys were absolutely perfect.  They had all ten fingers and toes, and the most beautiful little faces.  I sat in the hospital bed that day, filled with more grief and joy than I had ever felt.  As the nurse handed me my babies, I sobbed and smiled at the same time.  I can explain the whirlwind of emotions that I felt but in some ways it was like being on a roller coaster; crying one minute and laughter the next.  Trent and I were completely in love with these tiny beings.  They were our everything.  Easton was 9 inches long, and weighed a little over 8 ounces.  Trent said he looked just like me.  I'll never forget him saying, "I don't want to make you cry but I can't believe how much he looks like you."  His words didn't make me sad, but made me smile.  Easton's little lips were perfect.  He had the cutest little dimple above his top lip and the most perfect, round, little nose.  His little tummy poked out as if he had been fed a huge meal.  He also had the cutest little leg muscles of any baby that I have ever seen; probably because he was so small.  His little hand, although tiny, wrapped all the way around my finger.  Easton's little toes were very long and skinny, nothing like little Parker's.  He was our first born, our precious, perfect, Easton Craig.
     Benjamin Parker, our second born was 8 3/4 inches long and 7 1/2 ounces.  He was just as wonderful and perfect as Easton, just a little smaller.  Parker had a tiny nose and a very small face.  He looked nothing like Easton or me, except for the fact that he had white eyebrows.  I guess I won the bet because Trent swore that our babies would have dark hair.  I was tickled to see those big white eyebrows.  I was right, he was going to be a cotton top like my sisters and I; other than that,  he looked just like Trent.  I'll never forget his little forehead; it was just like his daddy's.  Trent has a long forehead and so did Parker.  His little tummy was not full like Easton's, but skinny.  Something else that amazed me were his toes.  They were just like Trent's.  I always tell Trent that he has shark toes because his toes are wide and kind of stubby (sorry sweetheart but it's the truth).   Bless Parker's heart his were just like his daddy's but still absolutely perfect.   I was amazed at the differences in their toes and hands.  It was so neat to see two of the most beautiful baby's, that looked nothing alike.  I remember holding Parker's hands and saying, wow, he has the perfect little finger nails and toe nails.  This may be weird to some of you but I wanted to soak them in completely and memorize every part of them. He was so tiny and sweet.  I may be a little partial, but I can imagine that everyone thinks the same of their children. 
     I often sit and wonder what the boys would have looked like as toddler's.  Parker with his white hair and skinny little body, and Easton our chunky, little, roly poly.  I can't help but feel we have been robbed of the most wonderful gift on earth.  I know we will have more baby's, but these were our first and we wanted them so badly.
     As I sat in the hospital bed, talking and singing to our babies, Trent finally worked up the nerve to hold them.  We took turns holding them one at a time and then holding them together.  I have said many times that the nurses would think I was slap crazy if they walked in the room because I was singing "You Are My Sunshine" over and over.  Since we were now in a postpartum room we also had a rocking chair.  I asked Trent to help me get out of the bed because I wanted to rock our boys.  This is when the pain really sat in, not physical, but emotional, because within the next hour, the nurse would be back to take Easton and Parker, and I would never rock them again.  Trent and I took turns rocking the boys and talking to them as if they were looking up at us with open eyes, as if to say, I hear you mommy and daddy.  We just wanted them to know how much we loved them.  As Trent began to rock both of the boys, I'll never forget the words that he said.  I pretty much broke down at this point.  As he looked at Easton and Parker, he said "even though you aren't here with us, I am still one proud Poppa.  My heart was shattered.  My husband, the strongest person I know was now sobbing and over taken with grief.  After some time alone with just the boys and Trent and I, our parents came in to meet their grandchildren.  Our parents and Trent's brother and my sister in law Melissa soaked up the beauty of our too sweet pea's.  We prayed over them and hoped that God had taken them to be with him before they were born.  We couldn't stand the thought of them suffering.  In my heart I believe He did.
     As an hour or so passed, we knew it would be time to hand our boys over.  I'll never forget, the door opening and a nurse that I have never met, saying "I'm here to get the babies".  I just looked at her although she probably thought I was coo coo and said, "you are taking them?"  Yes, she said.  Laying them back in the tiny cubicle to be wheeled back down the hall was my breaking point.  We didn't know how to let them go but had no choice.  We had held and seen our babies for the last time and now we had to head home to plan a funeral.  I never thought I would enter a funeral home and ask to look at baby caskets, but this was exactly what we had to do.  How are we as parents supposed to put our new born babies in a small box in the ground?  It was beyond me.
     Although, this is going back a bit, I want to tell you just how awesome Trent was through this entire experience.  He never once left my side and had every nurse and Dr. in labor and delivery talking about what a great husband and gentleman he was.  They all said they had never seen such a caring man who stepped up to help their wife like Trent did.  He was my rock.  He made such an impact that the nurses were in tears and disbelief at how well he handled the situation, and a wife who was basically losing her mind.  I'll never forget him talking me through the whole process and trying to hold it together for me.  He was and is perfect.  At my six week check-up Doctor G. was still bragging on him and said she wanted a husband like Trent.  I am so glad that God put Trent in my life.  He is a great husband and father.  We prayed daily over these boys, with him usually initiating the prayer.  That's a real man in my eyes.  One who isn't afraid to pray, even when nurses and doctor's are waiting to do an ultrasound etc. I wouldn't have made it through this without him and can't imagine sharing this experience with anyone else.  He is my world and I would give my life for him.  Our marriage is now stronger than ever, even though we would rather go back and change everything to have our boys here.  Trent and I have been through something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  For our first year of marriage I'll say we handled it pretty well.  Most people are married years before they face a crisis like this, if they ever do.  I know without a Shadow of a doubt that Trent and I can weather any storm.  Not only do we have each other, but we have amazing parents, who would take on all of our pain if they could.  Not only were our parents grieving for their grand children but also for us, their children.  I remember them saying they would take all of our pain if they could but this was just not possible.  They felt so helpless and so did we.  Watching mine and Trent's fathers and my step-father in tears was awful.  It takes alot to make these men cry and the tears in their eyes tore us apart.  We are truly blessed with a wonderful family and friends who have been nothing but supportive.  We are eternally grateful to you all.  We give God all of the glory for the five months that I was able to carry Easton and Parker and we will continue to praise Him in this storm.


Praise You in This Storm: Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still rainingAs the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes awayI’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this stormI remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find YouAs the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes awayI lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Recognition of Life



I look at this and am still in disbelief...


"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose. I appointed you to be a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah 1:5

I'm Still Here!

 Yes, I'm still here.  Thanks for being patient, as I try to tell you the rest of our story.  When I finish the story, I'm afraid I will feel lost.   I wish I could tell you more about Easton and Parker every day, and let you know how perfect their little fingers and toes were or how beautiful they were but we only had a small amount of time with our boys; around an hour to be exact.  When I am ready, I will finish the story for you guys.  Thanks for being patient.  I know I have said it time and time again, but I really appreciate the kindness you all have shown me.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  Psalm 18:2

Sweet baby Easton, November 15, 2010

Hi, Mommy and Daddy

   I wanted to leave you with these last two pictures.  This is the first time that anyone besides Trent and I have seen these.  I haven't been able to bring myself to show these to anyone yet because they are the last pictures of our baby (I say baby because they are both of Easton). We didn't get a picture of Parker this day, because he wouldn't cooperate but we were left with these of Easton.  I so wish I had one to show you of sweet Parker, our second born.  This ultrasound was just five days before I had the boy's and I have had these in my glove compartment of my car until now.  This is only the second time I have looked at these because it breaks my heart. 

The longest hours of our lives...

sweet gowns donated by threads of love....

  * Once again, I want to let you know, I understand if you can't read any further.  Some of the details are disturbing and heart breaking.

   Doctor G. had finally arrived after what felt like hours.  I remember asking over and over if I was going to be okay as I felt the blood pooling around me in the bed.  The nurses tried to keep me still, in order to keep me from losing too much blood, which would result in me having surgery.  Doctor G. kept encouraging Trent and I, and telling me that we would be just fine.  The hardest part had yet to come.  I'll never forget Doctor G. telling me, "It’s time to push".  When a woman hears these words, it's usually when she is about to give birth to a healthy, breathing baby.  This was not our situation.  Trent and I both knew without asking, that our children wouldn't live.  We knew they weighed right at a pound, but were still four weeks away from viability.  This began the worst hour of my life.  I didn't mention before that I thought I had Easton in the toilet.  I knew when my water broke that I sat back down and heard a large thud, but couldn't bring myself to look.  So, when the time came to push, I had no idea that both babies were still in my tummy.  It took, maybe ten or so minutes to have Easton, and I will never forget Doctor G's. words,  "Here comes baby "A".  My sweet Easton.  I longed to hear a cry, but he was silent.  I knew he was gone.  Then it was Parker's turn but, he wouldn't be born as quickly, or as easily as Easton.  Thank goodness I was in shock at this point because Trent said he will never forget hearing Doctor G. tell one of the nurses that she needed the forceps.  I could only hear them telling me to push and counting to ten over and over again.  Doctor G. told me, that this was when I needed to push as hard as I could.  Within minutes, I heard the dreaded words "here is baby "B", Parker.  At this point I thought the pain was over and we were finished.  Little did I know the placenta would not detach.  After at least twenty minutes of six nurses pushing on my stomach, I was now officially done giving birth.  No babies and nothing left of my pregnancy except my belly and a bruised stomach.  After having the babies I was given medication that literally made me nuts.  I couldn't talk or answer any of the nurse’s questions.  I remember my brain being able to understand but my mouth couldn't say the words.  Doctor G. then climbed up beside me in the bed and began to cry.  She was truly devastated and hurt by what had happened.  She felt so bad and I knew, she had done everything she could have.  This wasn't her fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't any one’s fault.  God just needed my boys more than I did.  They were His before they were mine and Trent's.  God knew we would only carry them for five months and that they would forever live in our hearts.
   Now, it was time to call our parents and I was not coherent enough to do so.  This meant that Trent had to call my mom and step-dad, my dad and step-mom and mother and father-in-law.  I can't imagine how hard this was for him.  We knew it would take our parents right at four hours to get to us, which meant we were all alone.  As Trent made the calls, Doctor G. sat with me.  I remember telling Trent after he had called our parents, that I wanted him to call them back and tell them that I didn't want any crying or acting like a fool.  Remember I was slightly out of it and although our mother's have never acted like fools in public, I couldn't handle the crying at the time.  Being that Trent was so worried; he called them and relayed my message.  I think they may have been slightly offended but I couldn't handle any more at this point.  Maybe twenty or so minutes after having the boy's and talking to our parents, the social worker came to talk to us.  Let me tell you, this pushed us over the edge.  I had just given birth to my children who were not alive and she began asking us questions about cremation and funerals.  Trent had to ask her to leave because we couldn't handle talk of cremating our babies, which was never an option!  She then had Trent sign papers, stating that we needed the hospital to hold our babies until further arrangements were made.  Then she asked another question that we were not prepared for.  "Do you want to see your boys?"  No, we said immediately because at this point we couldn't imagine.  She said she would give us another chance if we chose to next day, and with that she left.  It was after twelve by now and we knew our parents wouldn't get to the hospital until at least 4:00 or 5:00 a.m. We now sat and waited and I tried to answer questions that the nurses asked me over and over which I couldn't answer.  Simple things, like what is your address? And what is your name?  I remember looking at them like they were nuts and saying, "I don't know, ask him" referring to Trent.  We were finally left alone, to wait for our family.  Around 2:30 a.m. a nurse knocked on the door and told us we had company.  I knew our family couldn't have made it by now, so who was here?  One of our good friends from high school's parents called one of their friend's from Lake Charles and told him what happened and that we were alone.  This nice man then, got out of bed at 2:00 a.m. and headed to the hospital.  Neither Trent nor I had ever met him, but we were so touched to have him there with us. I was still out of it and am quite sure I embarrassed Trent and this nice gentleman.  As this man wearing a cowboy hat entered my room I said to him "Who sent you?"  "I don't know you? And  "Did my step-dad send you?"  I have no idea why I thought Mike sent him but that goes to say I was quite loopy.  Trent tried to hush me by saying "it's ok baby, he's just hear to check on us, and Mr. Buckshot sent him.  I then kept saying "are you sure Mike didn't send you?"  After I finally quit questioning this poor man he asked if he could pray with us and told us who he was.  I was instructed to keep quiet, so I did.  I never meant to be rude but just couldn't comprehend what was going on.  After twenty minutes or so we were alone again and I was now confused on when it got dark.  I wondered why no one had fed me lunch and why the sun wasn't shining.  Needless to say, I will never willingly take that medicine again, even though I didn't even know I was given it this time due to being in shock.  Poor Trent said that he had to tell me every few minutes that it was not lunch time and that it had been dark for a while.  The nurses decided to get me a sandwich tray since I was so insistent on eating "lunch" at what was now 3:30 in the morning.  Before letting me eat, I was transferred to post-partum getting my blood checked.  I was then fed and offered more medicine, which I declined.  I didn't want to be medicated because I wanted to be able to talk and know what was going on.  After lying silently for a while our parents arrived.  In their defense, they didn't act like fools or even really cry in front of me for that matter.  When they thought they couldn't hold it together any more they would go out in the hall and compose themselves.  After about an hour or so they left to go stay at mine and Trent's house and get a few hours of sleep.  Trent and I thought we should try to rest also.  Around 8:00 a.m. our parents came back and sat with us until I was discharged.  At 12:00, like she said she would, the social worker showed back up.  We now had to decide if we wanted to see our boys or not and made the arrangements to have the boys sent back to Winnsboro, where we would then make funeral arrangements.  We both at first said no we would not like to see them.  After all, that was our decision the night before.  That was when I began to change my mind.  The social worker told us how beautiful our babies were and she suggested that we see them.  Doctor G. then made her rounds again and we asked her what her opinion was.  She said the same thing.  We should see them because if we didn't, we may always have regrets.  No one ever regretted seeing their baby's she said.  We then made the decision; we would see them.  After waiting another hour or so, I'll never forget the knock on the door, to let us know that the time had come to see our sweet boy's.  As they were rolled in our room, we thought we may pass out. Trent was still unsure if he wanted to hold them because this would be the hardest thing we would ever have to do, but after seeing their sweet faces he melted.  We were told from the beginning that the boy's would look so much alike that we wouldn't be able to tell them apart.  This wasn't the case.  They looked nothing alike, and were both absolutely beautiful.  They were ours, and they were perfect....

“For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds,” says the Lord.  Jeremiah 30:17

* I will try to finish in the next few days, but this is as far as I can make myself go today.  I can't wait to tell you about what Easton and Parker look like and how they took our breathe away but that will be another day.  Thanks so much for reading.  I am so glad to get to share our babies with you.