Heart Broken...

     But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.     Luke 18:16  

   I'm not sure how to convey our exact feelings, or describe how terrible November 20th was, but I will do my best.  I have been praying about how to put this into words without terrifying everyone who reads this post.  If you feel like you don't want to read any further, I completely understand.  I just wanted to let you know that, in case I go in to more details than you would like because it was awful and still disturbs me after two months.  Thanks to everyone who has read.  I am going to keep updating our blog and so I hope you will continue to follow.  Our hopes are to have another baby or babies on the way soon, and I would love to share them with you also.

  After my appointment with Doctor S. everything began to go down hill.  My last appointment was on Monday November 15th and I was scheduled to see him again on the 22nd.  On Tuesday, the day after my appointment, I began to have spotting.  I decided to wait until Wednesday to call the Doctor because I didn't want them to think I was just a worry wart.  On Wednesday the spotting had worsened and I was convinced there was a problem.  I called Doctor G. and she told me that this was most likely normal since I had had a vaginal ultrasound on Monday.  She assured me that my cervix was checked and completely closed and that the blood was probably from being pushed on so much.  I agreed, and decided that she knew best.  After all,  Doctor S. thought I was beginning to dilate on Monday, therefore he pushed around a pretty good bit to make sure things were okay.  He decided that I wasn't dilating, but that my uterus was just shaped oddly, and so this made it look as if it were.  I decided I would wait until Friday and if the spotting hadn't stopped I would go and have things checked out.  Friday came and the bleeding had gotten worse.  At this point, the bleeding wasn't the only problem.  I had been in excruciating back pain for a week now.  Little did I know, I was having back labor.  Trent was having to sleep in the extra bed room because of me getting up and down so much.  I was sitting up all night long and taking warm baths, with hopes that the pain would stop.  This was the first time that I even considered taking Tylenol for the pain.  Every four hours without fail, I was having to take extra strength Tylenol.  Once again, I thought the pain was from having gained so much weight in my stomach.  On Friday morning,  I decided call Trent to see if I should go be checked or wait it out a little longer.  He told me to to whatever made me comfortable and if that was going to the ER then I needed to go.  I then called my mom and mother in law and asked their opinions.  I didn't want to seem like a hypochondriac so I decided it was better to get more advice on the matter.  Both mom and Bren said that they thought I should have things checked if it worried me.  We all knew the bleeding couldn't be normal.  So, at 10:00 on Friday the 19th I went to the hospital and was admitted to labor and delivery.  If I wouldn't have been right at twenty weeks I would have just been sent to he ER and things could have been, in my opinion way worse.  As I got to a room, Doctor G. came and checked my cervix and said that it was completely closed.  She said she still thought the bleeding was from the ultrasound Monday but they would send me for an ultrasound anyway.  She was just going to check the fluid between the babies because we all knew that on Monday morning we would most likely be on our way to Houston to have surgery.  Doctor G. ordered an ultra sound for me and the specialist's technician came to perform it.  At this point I was alone because Trent wasn't able to leave work unless there was a problem and I told my mom and Bren to wait to come until we had results.  In my heart, I knew there was trouble.  As the ultrasound started, I noticed that Parker wasn't moving very much, if at all.  I was immediatly alarmed.  "What is wrong with baby "B", I asked.  She just gave me a puzzled look and said, " This is very bad, I have to get Doctor G.  Before she ran out the door, I shouted, "What's wrong with my baby?"  She then told me that both babies had heart beats but that Parker (baby b) had such a shortage of fluid that he couldnt move very much.  Therefore, it looked like he was sleeping, or even worse, not alive.  Easton (baby a) was moving but not very much.  As soon as the technician ran out the door, I called Trent and told him to get to the hospital asap.  Something was wrong with our babies.  I called our mother's also and they were on stand by and waiting to hear what Doctor G. said before they headed to Lake Charles.  Doctor G. came and told me that there was a large difference in the boys fluid in just four days and that I would be admitted to the hospital until Monday morning when Doctor S. would see me at 10:00 a.m.  Still the nurses assured me that the boys would be okay until then.  Let me say, I don't hold anything against them, how could they have known what what happen?  As crazy as this sounds, this was my first time to ever be in the hospital, well that I remembered.  I was hospitalized when I was two for Salmonella but that had been twenty two years ago.  So needless to say, I was on pins and needles.  Trent got to the hospital within ten minutes and was by my side.  He was great through the entire process.  I couldn't have ask for a better husband.  Even the nurses bragged on him.  By the time that he got there, my mom called and said she was on her way. 
    To go back a few days earlier, Trent was supposed to be going to Winnsboro to duck hunt with his friend Kyle.  Kyle was coming in from Stuttgart and was already half way to Winnsboro when I got admitted.  Trent was between a rock and a hard spot because he didn't want to leave me, but also didn't want to abandon Kyle.  He decided to stay with me just in time for Doctor G. to enter the room.  She and the nurses all urged him to go hunt and let my mom stay with me.  One of the nurses exact words was "go hunt or we will be highly ticked".  So it was obvious they though I would be just fine.  They told us I was basically being babysat so that I would stay in the bed.  The only other thing that would be done was giving me around the clock fluid in order to try to get Parker out of trouble.  Doctor G. warned me that this may not work and we were still facing sugery on Monday.  Mom got to the hospital around 4:00 p.m. and Trent decided that he would go home and hunt Saturday morning and come right back.  I was fine with that because the nurses told me that husbands tend to drive them crazy worrying and so it would be best if he left for a little while.  I agreed. 
     That night, mom and I visited and stayed up all night because I was in tears because of the pain.  I also have to mention that mom couldn't seem to stay on the chair/bed and fell numerous times.  One of the maybe two times that I was on the verge of sleep, I heard her bed collapse and her hit the floor.  I thought I would pee on myself from laughing so hard.  So, needless to say we didn't sleep a wink.  Saturday the pain had worsened and I called Trent to see when he would be back.  He told me he was getting to me as quick as possible.  I didn't tell him how bad the pain was because I didnt want to panic him.  He tends to worry about me a little too much and I didn't want to freak him out.  For example, he worries about me going to Wal-Mart alone in Lake Charles, so he always goes with me.  It's really very sweet.  Anyway the nurses told me I could get a shower but then had to get right back in bed.  After showering, I put on my tennis shoes because I told mom I had to walk or my back was going to break.  That idea was shut down when the nurses called Doctor G. and she told them to get me back in the bed.  I wasn't very happy.  In order to keep me still and in bed, mom went to the store and bought a bag full of goodies and magazines to keep me busy.  I appreciated that although it didn't help the pain. 
     Trent got back around 7:00 that evening and mom decided to head home.  She had to get her things packed so that she and Trent's parents could head to Houston with us on Monday morning.  I'll never forget the nurses coming in and listening to the babies heart beats for the last time.  Both of the boys had heartbeats of 170-180 and were kicking up a storm.  Each time that a nurse changed shifts , the new one would come listen to the boys heartbeats.  This always helped calm my nerves.  Trent walked in the door just as the nurse finished listening and we never got the chance to hear our sweet babies beating hearts again.  To rewind a little bit, I had been having stomach trouble all day, and thought I was just constipated.  I was given laxatives and they seemed to help a little.  Right as Trent got back to the hospital, I told the nurse that there was a problem.  I had my mom running back and forth to the nurses station every time I needed something, so she wasn't their favorite person.  She sure helped me though.  The last time I made her go get them was when Trent was walking in the door.  I told mom that I thought I was having contractions and needed to be checked.  The nurse brought the monitor and put it on my stomach and indeed I was contracting.  I was given a shot to stop the contractions.  The monitor was then taken off.  The nurse said she thought the contractions were over and that my stomach trouble was what caused them in the first place.  I was tired of disagreeing with them and I shut up.  Mom left shortly after and everything began to crumble.        
     We were both exhausted, Trent from getting up to hunt at 4:00 a.m. and me from not sleeping in days.  He decided to try to go to sleep early although, he couldn't rest very well because every time that I had to get up to use the rest room he had to unplug my IV from the wall.  That happened about every thirty minutes, due to the fact  that I was being pumped full of fluid and the babies being on my bladder.  The last time I decided to get up and use the rest room was around 11:00 p.m. I decided to try to unplug my self and let Trent sleep.  I made my way to the restroom and my phone rang.  As I sat down I answerd the phone.  It was my mom telling me that she was walking in the door and was about to go to sleep.  I talked to her for a few minutes and told her that I thought there was a problem because I was bleeding heavier and that I was about to call the nurse.  As I hung up the phone with her and layed it on the sink, the unthinkable happened.  Our world came crashing down.  As I stood up, my water broke.  It wasn't like a normal persons water breaking .  Doctor G. told me that if my water were to break it would be a steady trickle down my leg.  Let me tell you.  This was not the case.  As I began to scream at the top of my lungs I heard Trent fall out of the bed and saw him round the corner.  I have never seen such devastaion in a perons eyes in my life.  As we both stood there knowing, that our boys were gone. 
     Because of the amount of fluid I had been given in the last 24 hours it caused my water to break like what I would imagine when I think of a dam breaking.  I have never seen so much water in my life.  Trent screamed and said what's happening.  All I could say was, get the nurse my water just broke.  As he ran down the hall I could hear him screaming with desparation for help.  This was the point when atlest six nurses came flying through the door.  Trent picked me up and got me to the bed, while we waited on Doctor G. to come deliver our boys.  I can't remember everything, but I do remember Trent saying over and over.  "It's just me and you now and we have to be strong".  I remember him laying me back on the bed and the nurses telling me not to push until the Doctor arrived so that I wouldn't hemorage.  This was scary beyond words.  I will never forget how badly my body was convulsing due to me being in shock.  Trent was so scared because he said my eyes began to roll back in my head and he was scared of losing me too.   I have never screamed so loudly in my life.  I just knew I wouldn't survive the heart break and as bad as I was hurting, Trent was standing there being so strong for me and that broke my heart.  He was unbelievable and never left my side.  Always encouraging me and letting me know that we would make it.  Although, that was the firs time in my life when I remember telling Trent, that I didn't want to live.  This scared him even more.  Not that I was suicidal, but I would have given my life for Easton and Parker and at that point I wanted nothing more than for them to live.

   We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;  2 Corinthians 4:8-9

  *  I can't go in to detail any more today.  I didn't quite realize how difficult this would be.  I will finish the story as soon as I can.  I want to share with you more about our sweet boy's and what they looked like, and the time we got to spend with them the following day.  Hopefully I can do this in the next few days.  Until then, I will leave you with the sweetest picture; my favorite picture.

Easton Craig & Benjamin Parker Mccoy